Recovery, Recovered, Relapse: Breaking the Cycle of Shame and Moving Forward

By Leah O’Neill, Founder of The Ridge Wellness and Recovery

It’s a crushing blow when you come to realize that there is no cure to addiction, nothing that can absolve you from the devastation of experiencing setbacks, and no routine that promises to put you on a straight path toward ‘recovered’.

We contemplate, we prepare, we act, and we work to maintain.

A hard truth about recovery is that the many of us will relapse, and the majority of us that do will be engulfed by guilt, shame, and self-doubt; a truth I understand only through the experience of such. It is through the setbacks, the relapses, the sense of failure on which my own recovery became emboldened. The opportunity to strengthen our recovery is an opportunity to regain our control.

It’s Not Linear: Understanding Recovery

I can recall sitting, stewing. A question I was sure was stupid, but nevertheless pressing, falling from my lips as I sat on the stiff, gray couch in my therapist’s office. “When do you go from ‘recovering’ to ‘recovered’?” was the question I asked. “When you feel like that’s how you want to identify” was the answer she gave. Perhaps the type of answer one might predict a therapist to give- open to interpretation, specifically vague, an answer that cloaks the immense difficulty of understanding underneath the guise of a simple premise.

When we first enter recovery, we often imagine a straight road leading to a final destination called “recovered.” The reality is that the road twists and turns, paths come up short and you find yourself doubling back, something comes up and forces you to take an unexpected turn. All of that to say, recovery is not linear. You are going to try coping mechanisms, routines, and support systems that aren’t going to work for you, just as you’ll find many that do. Cravings and temptations will sweep over you that you may find impossible not to give in to. Building a method of recovery for yourself that is able to provide the support, accountability, and safety that you need is integral for achieving long-term recovery. The coping mechanisms we establish, the routines that we keep, and the supports that we lean on are important, not just for maintaining recovery day-to-day, but also to ensure that on the days when the voice of the addiction is extra loud, when the cravings are harder to quiet, and the temptations seem to be everywhere, there exists a buoy to which you can reach to keep yourself from drowning.

Quitting a substance is one part of recovery. Rebuilding your mind, body, and spirit is another. I used meditation, breathwork, and therapy to help regulate my mind; doctors and prescriptions to help heal my body; newfound energy, movement, and time in nature to help lift up my spirit.

On the best days, I felt entirely unstoppable. Others, my goals felt entirely unreachable. When the prospect of being sober forever was too great to grasp, I instead focused on maintaining my sobriety for only one minute. Amidst the bombardment of constant questioning within my own mind whether or not I should keep going, if recovery was even worth it, a determination arose. I figured that anyone could manage to do anything for one minute, a rule I couldn’t make myself an exception for.

Three steps forward and two steps back. That’s how recovery feels sometimes because the reality of recovery is that it cannot be measured by only acknowledging the ‘wins,’ it does not follow a straight line, and it is steadfast in it’s refusal to demand perfection. Three steps forward and two steps back, a net gain of one step towards healing.

The Myth of Being ‘Recovered’

A question I asked myself later in my recovery was whether or not it even mattered if some future version of me proclaimed herself ‘recovered.’ What difference would it make for me if I reached this coveted point? The prospect that there is no milestone to reach in which all of the struggles of working through addiction and recovery simply disappear is, of course, disappointing. The prospect that recovery truly is an ongoing process, a journey and not a destination, can feel paralyzing. This is why we reframe our perspective, our goal does not have to be that we never use our substance of choice again, but rather that we do not use it right now. Through one moment at a time we build the resiliency we need to maintain the well-being we built for ourselves.

The Weight We Carry: Shame & Relapse

The shame about what you could have or should have done, the guilt of a rendezvous with an old friend, the fear of beginning again. Addiction is overtly cruel, unrelenting. Regardless of whether or not you hold power over it, relapse opens the dam of presumed failures. I know how shameful relapse can be, I have felt it; I know the pain of failure, I have been shaken by it; I know the terror of facing what you’ve done, I have sat with it.

It was through the whispers of shame declaring my weakness that I slowly began hearing a new voice, mine this time- shame is a liar.

Relapse does not mean the end of recovery. Relapse is an opportunity, not failure. Beating ourselves up for our choices doesn’t actually change what has happened. It is through inquisition that we may discover a new foundation on which to build.

What led to this?
What support do I need right now?
How can I move forward? Was it stress? Loneliness? Unresolved trauma?
What was demanding adjustment in my recovery plan?

How to Recover After Relapse: Moving Forward

Pause & Breathe – First, take a deep breath. Relapse is not the end of recovery.
Reach Out for Support – Whether it’s a therapist, sponsor, trusted friend, or support group, connection is key. You are not alone.
Identify Triggers – Reflect on what led to the relapse. Stress? Isolation? Neglecting self-care? Understanding this helps prevent future slips.
Forgive Yourself – Self-compassion is a vital part of healing. Award yourself the same kindness you would give a friend.
Take Action – Adjust your recovery plan. Maybe that means adding therapy, changing medications, or joining a new support group.

Finding Support When You Need It

If you’ve relapsed and don’t know where to turn, here are some resources that can help:

Therapy & Counseling – A therapist can help you process emotions and develop coping strategies. There are many therapy and counseling options, including both in and out of an office. Insurance may be able to help cover these services.
Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT) – If applicable, medications can help manage cravings and stabilize recovery.
Support Groups – Community and accountability can be found in groups like AA, NA, or SMART Recovery.
Wellness & Movement – Exercise, meditation, and nutrition all play roles in maintaining a strong recovery.

Truth About Relapse: A Reminder to Yourself

You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not bad. You are not alone. Recovery is a process that relapse can be a part of. You do not reach the end of your recovery by experiencing a relapse. You owe it to yourself to keep going. There is a vast community of people in recovery who have powerful stories, incredible insight, and the ability to offer support to those in need. Together, we can take one day at a time.